The last soldier

The last soldier 

By Freya Anastasia Hatfield

I stood with my horse as the sun came up

I watched as I saw my brothers lay

I was one of the last to survive.

I'd gone to war not knowing my fate, 

but knowing I'd protect

 my country, my loved ones and those who weren't yet born.

I didn't think of being a hero

I didn't think about the pain or of the losses

I thought about what my future would be if I didn't join

I thought about the suffering I'd have if I didn't fight.

we fought a war for peace, freedom and the right to live

we fought for our names, country and future

we fought through blood and battled in every weather

for the freedom of your today.

We were loved and had loved ones in our hearts

they will not be forgotten

for they were who we fought for.

We left our trenches,

we headed home with less than we came with

we shed tears and shared hugs

we knew we were safe and would fight no more.

We became heroes we didn't know we'd be, 

my heroes are our brothers who didn't make it home.

Who didn't see the end of what we prayed for every day

A hundred years on and you haven't forgotten

A hundred years on and we live on

our memories, our pain, our loss, our lives and our yesterdays 

are remembered in your today's

wear your poppies with pride

for they speak louder than words

wear them from the rising of the day to the dawning of the night

for the heroes gone and those still here

for I was one of the last to survive

Periods

Hey Thinking out loud here :D

Another week with a sit-down blog post, so again, much like two weeks ago get a drink and a comfy seat as we talk about everything to do with periods. No not the little dot that ends a sentence but the sometimes painful always bloody time of the month for a lot of people worldwide. If you’re a guy feel free to keep on reading, you might learn something you didn’t know. Still, also it’s all good if this isn’t something you want to read about, but I strongly urge you do read as I’m pretty sure you will know at least one person who has periods, and you never know when they might need your help whether it is getting period supplies or just a friendly face to talk to. 

Without further waiting, let's talk PERIODS.

First, off not everyone has the same period, not every period is the same, some months you can breeze through it others you want the ground to make a hole and swallow you up just so you don’t have to be in pain. I’ve had all different kinds of periods, ones from no pain at all, they were all in the first couple of years of my periods starting, to the most painful I had when my periods had well and truly settled into my adolescent body. I’ve had everything from cramps, fainting, vomiting and being in crippling pain on the bathroom floor, only to be greeted the next day with the heaviest most painful period I’ve known, thankfully that night was a one-off.

The same can’t be said for fainting, that’s happened twice though one was mostly to falling having had no breakfast which after a period did follow the next day. The second was entirely down to period cramps and happened to be a half-day at school, though a half-day I managed to still leave after every student as I had to wait for my mum to pick me up. It was a day I’d been looking forward to as after school I was meant to be going swimming at the beach with friends though fainting put a quick end to that when they saw me being driven home, I was mortified when my mum said Freya isn’t going swimming she fainted at school, so I’m taking her home, I had up to that point had a bit of hope she’d say I could still go, but no I had to miss out because of fainting though I wouldn’t have been swimming anyway  not unless I wanted to test out a tampon which I wasn’t keen on doing. This also happened to be the same day as the second and most devastating Christchurch earthquake it also occurred around the same time, the afternoon news was on, and it had just come through live. All of these incidents I will talk about again in a bit more detail, don't worry, it won't be gory, it will just be my experiences with them.

I’ve never spoken about periods this publicly or really to anyone apart from close friends, mainly because it seems to be such a taboo subject yet it’s one of the most naturalist things anyone could go through in their lives. My mind was changed about the whole way I looked at it when I started listening to an audiobook named Periods by Emma Barnett. If you haven’t read it or listened to it, I highly recommend you do. I heard of it through watching a video from Louise Pentland, a British YouTuber whose video was on doing a plastic-free period. I also highly recommend watching as she mentions this audiobook and has some good points for if you are thinking about going plastic-free for periods. Something I am thinking about since watching that video. Plus it's something that is going to be so beneficial for the planet. Yes, it might seem gross, and that's OK it is a little. Still, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. I like so many other young women never spoke about the pain I’ve gone through or having to hold onto the wall while on the toilet because I’ve gone hot, sweaty and felt faint just because of a heavy period or particularly bad cramps that day or week. Yet here I am behind a laptop screen openly talking about them simply because of two amazing women. 

I’ve never been diagnosed with anything. In all honesty, I never really knew about any medical diagnosis to go with painful periods. Or even if there was anything in fainting while on or near the first day of one. I’ve never sought out medical advice, I guess I’ve hated the idea of having to speak to anyone in person about my period or what they might say which I know is silly and maybe I should the next time I get bad cramps, which thankfully haven’t happened for a while. I also think a big part of me thought that's what’s meant to happen on your period. You’re meant to feel this pain and feel faint you are after all losing an egg, blood, and uterus lining (sorry if this is TMI, but it happens every month across the globe and is the simple reality of what a period is all about.) 

For those of you who have openly spoken to a doctor, I applaud you. And ask how the heck do you get the courage to talk about the pain? Even as I write this, I am questioning myself on if this should be uploaded or if  I’ve said something I shouldn’t. Then apart of me says no f what people think or might say the more people who talk about PERIODS, the more normal and acceptable they will become. As every person who is alive was only possible for women having had periods at some point in their lives and knowing that they were going to be able to get pregnant potentially.

My first encounter with a period was horrible, I hated the idea of it and the idea of having it for the next thirty-some years, I hated the idea of pads, tampons and simply anything period related freaked me out. I guess if I’m talking openly about periods, I should say why I hated the first one, the one that changes you from a girl into a teenager, though I wasn’t a teenager in age yet. I was in year seven we’d just had the period talk, with all the girls from the class I was in and the class next door. I remember sitting on the floor cross-legged and looking at this laminated picture of ovaries and fallopian tubes that was on a wheeled whiteboard being held up with magnets. I was just gone twelve and felt like my world was ending, it had started at the weekend something looking back now I am thankful for, had it been a school day I think it would have been even worse. I remember sitting on the toilet and my mum sitting on the bath saying that I needed to wear a pad, and me through sobs saying I didn’t want to wear one, the thought of wearing a pad and seeing blood freaked me out, it didn’t help that we were going out to some friends that afternoon. After about an hour of my mum talking and persuading me telling me I couldn’t just stay on the toilet for a week every time I got my period and that she couldn’t leave me home alone. I was old enough for a period but not yet legally old enough to be left home alone by NZ law. There really wasn’t any other option other than to wear a pad and ride out the first day of having a period. I ha to very quickly accept that this was what my body would be doing every month for a week for the next thirty-some years, something twelve-year-old me was not happy about and in no way was I prepared for it. Something I hope this blog posts will help young girls with who are at the beginning of their period life. I would have been quite happy back then to have been told every month “Hey, you’re not pregnant, keep on keeping on.” But no the reality is every month most of us women go through a lovely thing and sometimes a painful.

As I’ve previously said the first couple of years, I didn’t get any period symptoms no pain, headaches, cramps or sick feeling nothing. After the first initial period was over, I had managed with very few leaks only a couple at night. (Yes this does happen if you don’t get the sucker of a pad right then ha your period will betray you and leak through any item of clothing you are wearing, especially if it is a heavy period.) I was beginning to think that they were one of the easiest things and had no clue why other girls were complaining of pain and cramps when I didn’t experience them. This, as I have also previously stated all changed when I was about fourteen and fainted. Something I hadn’t experienced before then and knew I didn’t want to experience again as I spent that night mostly awake too scared to go to sleep in fear I’d faint again. No one would know, and I’d be unconscious for who knows how long irrational I know. Still, I was fourteen and petrified that something was wrong even though I had been reassured that nothing was wrong from our doctor friend who happened to be there when I fainted, I still needed a blood test to double-check, everything came back clear, and I was ok. The way I would best describe the first time I fainted was seeing nothing but black I heard nothing, I honestly thought  I’d fallen asleep. I actually remember saying after that I felt I had fallen asleep only to be told by my brother that I had in fact fainted. By this point, I was now starting to realise what every girl was talking about. With cramps pains and every other period symptom. 

I also previously mentioned this before. From one period I’d spent the night throwing up in agony on the bathroom floor, it had started with me waking up and my brother hearing me then going and getting my mum who was asleep as it was the middle of the night. She spent the whole night on the floor, with me crying in pain moving every way possible to stop my stomach from hurting. My dad came and checked, I could see them looking at each other with questioning looks. Still, there really wasn’t anything to be done other than riding the sick wave and hoping I had stopped by the time it was morning. If I knew what childbirth felt like I’d say that was pretty close the crippling pain and nausea, it was like no pain I had felt before or even felt since thankfully, a night I’m quite ok not having to go through again.

Then like I’ve also said came the second time I fainted it was 2011 it was in art class my poor teacher hadn’t experienced a student fainting before and was still relatively new to teaching art in a school. In no way, though was she new to art, she was an incredible artist. It was hot in class; it was still very much summer, we had the fan going full blast, but I was still hot sweaty and had cramps. Our teacher had told us to come up to the front of the class as she wanted to show us some things we were going to be drawing. I’d already felt myself going when I was sitting on my seat but had felt too scared to say anything as I didn’t really know what to say and didn’t want to say the word period in front of a class in fear someone would hear me. So I stand with the entire class and not long after I feel myself go. I faint I was later told by some people in my class that I moved around, but my pupils were massive, and that they didn’t know what was happening, I said to them that I had fainted. I had fallen forwards on to the papers our teacher was showing us luckily I didn’t fall back as I would have fallen on the cold floor and students behind me. The nurse came with a wheelchair. (The second time I had needed to be wheeled to the nurse's room, the first time I had cut my foot open, that's a story for another day.) As she wheeled me she leaned forward and asked if I was on my period I very shyly and quietly answered “yes” she didn’t really say anything other than “mmm” I didn’t think much of it other than she must have had this happen before. Thankfully since my highschool days I haven't had any crazy events happen, due to periods, yeah I get cramps and pains, but I know when they will happen, and I now know how to cope with them, unlike my teenage younger self.

I know I’ve been pretty lucky living in a country where sanitary products are accessible. Where when I’ve needed them I could go to my parents and say I needed pads, or that I was having cramps something I’ve very rarely done. Though kind of haven't needed to as the times when they’ve been bad I usually have just got out of the shower wrapped my towel around me and curled up on my bed and my mums seen on the odd times I hadn’t been able to close my door because I’d been so close to passing out had I not made it to my bed. I know I’ve also been lucky with the school I went to and having a school nurse who knew that my fainting was due to my period, and who was also calming and reassuring when I know I so easily could have freaked out for the second time. That night I found it easier to sleep even though I was still wary. And finally, I know I’ve been lucky with the friends I have who on the odd occasion we’ve gone on to the topic of periods have been open and willing to talk about them and not act like they don’t happen. 

As I get older, I’m starting to realise that the more things are talked about that are seen as taboo, the more normal it makes them, and the more I hope it helps people in a less accepting country, family, school or friend group. There really isn’t anything wrong with talking about your period, it’s not going to bring bad upon your family, or your religion. Talking about periods is going to help a younger generation of people learn more about what to expect, what will happen, and when to seek medical advice. It will stop young people from keeping quiet in fear of what might happen to them. It is going to get us one step closer to being able to be proud of what our bodies are able to do. Especially when there are women who for one reason or another who can’t have periods or have more excruciating periods than most leaving them feeling lost and like their own bodies, hate them.

I urge you not to shy away when you need a sick day because of cramps or because you've spent the night throwing up. And you’ve woken to it being on shark week, red week or whatever you call the week when you are on your period. Be open about the reason why you can’t make it in, no one has the right to say anything about it or make you feel bad for it. Be proud. Talk about it. Let people know why you might be a bit moody it’s understandable when you feel like you have a raging uterus inside you that you think wants to escape through your belly, cry when you need to, curl up when you need to, listen to your body and trust your gut when it doesn't feel right or like your normal. I’ve found that on excruciating days eating chocolate specifically dark chocolate only a few pieces though really helps with pain, especially as I’m one who isn’t a fan of swallowing tablets. 

So to reiterate again be proud, speak out and kick out the taboo period talk by talking about them.

I hope you enjoyed this blog post, I know having made it to the end of writing it I’m still nervous for uploading it but know it needs to be uploaded so if you made it this far thank you, it means a lot, and I hope you’ve had an amazing day.

Love always Thinking out loud xx :D

catch up

Hey Thinking out loud here :D

This week I’m going back to a proper sit-down blog. So before you get reading, get yourselves a drink, whether it be water, tea, coffee, wine, beer, a cheeky g&t. Whatever may be your drink of choice and find yourself a comfy seat. This one might be a long read, sorry, not sorry. (End of the blog me. This is really long definitely get yourself a drink, something to eat and a comfy seat and maybe something warm and cosy if you are somewhere cold.)

This will be a post where I let my thoughts run wild. No poems, short stories, just my thoughts and letting them be, no boundaries no this is what I’m going to write, I'm going to write whatever comes to mind whatever topic. Right now, I have no idea what this blog post will be about or what I will write, so this could be interesting, but after all, that is what this blog is called Thinking Out Loud right?

Recently there has been a lot of different things happening in the world and being said on the news, not that, that hasn’t ever happened before, shock it happens all the time. But recently there has been a lot from mental health awareness, which some past blogs have been based on. I find it so important to talk about and to not stop talking about. 

To climate change and how drastic the world around us is changing from what we use and how we are living. This has also been in recent blog posts. The post before this one was a poem on climate change it was called Not Our Problem. (If you haven’t read it, please do, out of every post I’ve ever written it is the one that left me moved and the one that I felt most compelled to write.) It’s a bit of a play on how we are acting like it isn’t our problem when in fact it totally is our problem, also something that needs to be talked about and being kept on talking about. I find so often with an issue or a problem the minute you stop talking about it is when it gets swept to one side and gets forgotten about or gets seen as no longer being a problem or that in hope it somehow fixes itself, when we all know that doesn’t happen, the same can very much be said for mental health. 

To leaders of countries saying and doing things that surprise surprise not everyone agrees with, but that is politics for you, not everyone is going to agree with everyone, and that’s ok. 

As much as all these things do need to be spoken about, especially mental health and climate change. This post isn’t going to be about any of that despite clearly having just written a page and half about them. Contradicting I know but there you go, this is just part of thinking out loud and letting whatever I’m typing be typed, welcome to how my brain works.

So Instead of writing about anything on the previous page, let’s talk about something entirely different. Let’s have a catch-up. How is everyone? What’s going on with you? Let me know in the comments below (if it doesn’t show up straight away don’t worry, it will, I just moderate all comments before they can be shown at the bottom of a blog post.) I’m good, life is busy but good, I actually just went through some past posts and realised I haven’t really talked about what I do or even really who I am, so hey here I’m known as Thinking Out Loud aka Freya though have many nicknames I will answer to. I am shy most of the time really only when I’m away from a computer screen and out in public do I go shy and become my introverted self.  I am twenty-four, originally from West Yorkshire in England, then moved to New Zealand and now currently in Australia for a little while.

I am a writer, shock surprise, like no one reading this didn’t already guess. I have been writing on and off since mid to late 2014, but physically sit down at laptop this is what I want to do and just writing since mid-2015. Within that time, I have been writing a trilogy based on mental health. It is a total work of fiction and follows three different characters stories but are all in one way or another connected. Depression is very much openly talked about in them, and different sides of depression are spoken of from the person who physically has it to loved ones around them, and how it also affects them. 

I have though alongside the trilogy started writing stand-alone books manuscripts. (For anyone who isn’t a writer manuscript or ms for short, are what books start out as before they become the end product you hold in your hand or on any reading device.) All of which are varying in genre. I don’t think I have a single ms besides the trilogy that is all in the same genre. Some have things from similar genres, but they don’t all fit in to say romance, but there is an element of that in some of them. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t think I’m a writer where I stick to one genre or topic to write on or about. I know typically you find with writers and authors that a lot of what they write is one genre and they stick to that genre. Take Stephen King where his books are horror or J.K Rowling where hers a predominantly based on magic and the wizarding world. (I know not all of her books are in the same genre.), with me, that isn’t going to happen I have everything from mental health, fantasy, war, crime and the list goes on, and each one of those genres I know is very different, but that seems to be the type of writer I am. Hopefully, once I get published and realise books, there will be something for everyone and not just one demographic group but something for young to old to female to male. I don’t want to be that person who wants to please everyone, and that’s not at all what I aim to do as I feel that is impossible to do. But if there happen to be ideas I think of that happen to go over many genres with different books and characters then this girl is going to write it, regardless of the genre and demographic I have previously written. So no I won’t please everyone, but yes I will write whatever genre for whatever demographic group.

I have also had this blog on the side, I think I first started it back in 2015 though I had it a little while before then when I was deciding if I wanted to have a blog (that was the introverted side of me very much having a hold.) I know this blog has entirely at times taken a back seat, on those weeks, months, years, where it has taken a back seat it’s merely because I’ve focused so much on the trilogy and trying to get that to the point of being able to take at least the first book to agents/ publishers. I guess I’m still finding that fine balance between ms writing and putting one day aside where I write a blog post and edit it then upload it. Which hopefully fingers crossed soon I realise that I do need to have a break from ms writing/editing one day a week and dedicate that day to this blog. I know upload days are Thursdays but not always possible to write, edit and upload in one day especially if it’s a short story or poem with them I like to give them time to grow and truly be happy with what I have written.

I also like everyone spend way too much time on social media, though I have met some amazing people on Instagram and Twitter over the past three years, who are also writers/ authors. I have learnt so much from them and without them don’t think I would be as confident as I am in my writing compared to when I first started and knew nobody for the first year I had no idea either of these social media sites had such a vast writing community, of course. I had and still have friends who aren’t writers, but I do often feel that talking about characters like they are real people isn’t the same as when you speak to a writer about them, I do think that talking to none writers you get these weird looks of are you ok? And are you sure you are sane? Most of the time, yes to both and sometimes no to both, that’s all part of being a writer. I couldn’t be more thankful for the online communities I am so lucky to be apart of on days when you are your worst enemy and think you’re not good enough or your characters are just not behaving. You can guarantee there will be someone to talk to who knows exactly what it’s like and what you’re feeling. In general, just knowing you have this whole world online, that’s such a fantastic support system for when it seems like the hardest writing day someone will be there to help you and talk to you. That’s also another thing for any writer who isn’t fortunate enough to have a fantastic support system at home the online community is guaranteed to always be there for you. In with the online support, I have an amazing family, and amazing friends who I know are there when I need them, and if I’m not sure about something I can go to them or send them a message asking if something sounds right or if I should upload whatever I’ve written for here. I don’t do it often but knowing they are there, is so important and something I am thankful for.

This genuinely turned out longer than I thought it was going to be, so if you did make it this far, I’m surprised you did and thank you for making it to the end. I hope you’re drink helped you through this read.

I will possibly be back next week, I hopefully will be, but I have some friends visiting and not sure yet what the plan is, but if I figure out that fine balance of ms writing and blog writing who knows anything is possible right. As you can see, I can clearly keep writing and rambling, so going to end it here. Thank you again for reading. I hope you have a lovely day week.

Love always 

Thinking Out Loud XX :D

Not Our Problem

By Freya Anastasia Hatfield

Trees are dying, the world is heating up, 

But, that’s not our problem.

The Ocean levels are rising, ice caps are melting,

But, that’s not our problem.

Countries, cities, and towns are full of pollution,

But, that’s not our problem.

Our plastic goes into waterways,

Our rubbish kills innocent animals,

But, that’s not our problem.

We cut down trees, cut away masses of green grass,

Taking away thousands of animals homes,

But, that’s not our problem.

Big money giants fill our heads with, buy this,

and your life will be better

Or buy this, and you save double the price.

But, that's not our problem.

They don’t tell us about the more extensive damage it causes.

They don’t tell us about the hurt it does to the one planet, we inhabit.

But, that’s not our problem.

But, our problem is, 

Trees dying.

The world heating up.

Ocean levels rising.

Ice caps melting.

Countries,

Cities,

And towns filling with pollution.

Plastic filling waterways.

Rubbish killing innocent animals.

Trees being cut down for more land.

Grasslands being taken away.

Thousands of animals homes being destroyed.

This is our problem.

It takes a second to make a decision,

A second to think about your imprint in the broader world

It takes a second to want to make a change.

It takes at least twenty-six days to break a habit.

Yet it takes years to realise our impact

It takes years for us to recognise that time isn’t stopping

We can’t reverse it overnight

But we can start to make a change.

We can start by making changes in our day to day lives

We can start with what we buy, how we get around,

How we make an impact can slowly begin to reverse

some of the damage we’ve caused.

What’s happening isn’t new

It hasn’t just happened in a decade

Or two.

Its taken generation after generation,

Of new inventions and new ways of doing things.

Inventions that once seemed like a good idea,

Inventions that once may have been needed,

Inventions that now are costing lives,

Inventions that are creating alarming devastating worries worldwide.

But, that’s not our problem.

No amount of time will prepare us for what could happen.

Why let it be a could be? 

Why let it be a will be?

Why not make it a, it never has to happen.

Why not make it a this isn’t our future.

But, that’s not a problem.

Our future can be,

Reverse in climate change.

Reverse in pollution.

A decline in deforestation.

An abundance of insects and pollination

A world that isn’t falling apart but being brought back together

With love, care and the possibilities of new, better and healthier ways

of protecting this world, we live in.

Of protecting this planet that we need not only for us,

but the entirety of every living being and organism that calls this planet home.

We have one home,

One planet,

One chance.

Before life, as we know, it is gone,

Before the lights of the earth go out,

And before life, as we know it, no longer exists.

But, that’s not our problem.

One chance

To stop a dying planet.

One chance

And too many lives at risk.

One chance 

And not enough people listening,

Or making a change.

One chance 

And counting.

But, that’s not our problem.

Time is ticking,

Time is running out.

Lights turning off,

Lights not turning back on.

Species going extinct,

Less and fewer lives being reborn.

But, that’s not our problem.

Humans, for now, can build new lives

But many animal kinds can’t

We can adapt,

But many animals can’t.

But, that’s not our problem.

We have one chance.

Let’s not jeopardise our lives,

and the planet.

Let’s not leave how we end up to chance.

Let’s not leave it to the earth to decide our fate.

Let’s make lasting changes for the better.

One chance.

Don’t let it be,

One chance too late.

Because of that.

It is OUR PROBLEM.

Ten years, A life, a love, a loss

Ten years

A life, a love, a loss

By Freya Anastasia Hatfield

Time passes and takes some pain,

Time passes and some pain remains.

Time can heal but can also burn,

Burn out flames and burn out feelings.

Ten years fly by in a second,

A decade of love, loss and new beginnings.

Ten years of you not being here,

But knowing you’re still around.

A decade can seem so long, yet can feel like it all just happened,

Events that happened feel like they happened just days ago,

Memories on constant replay remembering happy days once spent,

Day’s of laughing, parties, family get-togethers,

memories that are held tight in time in photos and videos alike.

It seems so long ago since you left,

But feels like yesterday when I last saw you.

It doesn’t feel real or right that it’s been ten years,

since you last closed your eyes.

It doesn’t feel right that it’s been ten years since you last took a breath,

It doesn’t feel right that at 75 years and 364 days it was your time.

Time passes and takes some pain,

Time passes and some pain remains.

Time can heal but can also burn,

Burn out flames and burn out feelings.

Ten years fly by in a second,

A decade of love, loss and new beginnings.

Ten years of you not being here,

But knowing you’re still around.

We loved you then,

We love you now,

Time can pass,

You can be gone,

But the memory of you will live on.

Another ten years can go,

But you won't,

More people will die,

More babies will be born,

But the power of your love will never change,

The power of who you were will never die.

You were strong,

You were inspiring,

You were a backbone,

Quite simply you were a diamond,

Shine bright.

Time passes and takes some pain,

Time passes and some pain remains.

Time can heal but can also burn,

Burn out flames and burn out feelings.

Ten years can fly by in a second,

A decade of love, loss, and new beginnings.

Ten years of you not being here,

But knowing your still around.

Ten years of missing you.

Ten years of not forgetting you.

Ten years of keeping your love strong.

Ten years making sure you were not forgotten.

To ten years and to many more.

Never forgotten.

Neer out of sight or mind.

Never too far away.

To love and loss, and new beginnings.

We loved you then, and we love you still.

Love you always and forever our shining diamond.