Going home and overthinking

 Hi Thinking out loud here xx :D

This like recent posts could be long so please grab a comfy seat, a drink, a snack and take this time for you.

Disclaimer, this is a somewhat hard post to post, I think I keep a lot of things to myself and overthinking is one of those things, I don't know why I do it, but it seems it's something I do a lot, so if this is a trigger for you I would suggest maybe not reading this blog post, and waiting for next weeks, however, if you have any suggestions of how to help calm overthinking or minimalist it to an extent, please leave them in the comments section below I would love to know and try what works for you.

I am heading home, I can’t even begin to say how excited, nervous, but mostly happy I am to be saying this. I love Australia, and I know without a doubt, I am going to miss my family over here but being away from home through a pandemic that is still happening has been hard. At first, I was coping. I honestly thought it wasn’t going to last nearly as long as it has. But then a few months ago and I didn’t know when I’d be going back or even if I would be going back this year or if I would be able to go back thankfully a friend f mine kept telling me that NZ citizens will always be allowed back home. It helped but that still not knowing was playing on my mind more than I actually let on. Not only being home for Christmas but for my dads birthday and to make at least one of my friends 25th birthdays hopefully. 

It’s funny because, at that time of not knowing everything somehow all came together, I was talking to my little cousin who lives in England who was like just tell them, tell them you want to go home. I was saying I will, I will, I promise I will, and I didn’t, I don’t know why I didn’t, but it turns out I didn’t need to. I guess this is why, things have a way of working out on their own, my cousins have found that they can mostly do their jobs for now from home when they need to, it’s not going to be like that for long after I go, which again these things have a way of working out. 

Around the same time as this all falling into place I was at the beginning of starting Mental Health Mondays uploads, something that helped with the not knowing but also helps with trying to figure t all out before needing to I id need to say anything. It wasn’t easy but this I guess goes with how I overthink every situation if I am given a chance which is a lot. I overthought what if I can’t get home. Five months ago I was very ok with that idea two months ago not so much, so much so I got to the point where on a night I would just cry because I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it. At the time didn’t want to talk about it really or write about it, even now writing this I’m wondering if I want to write about it. Still, I figure if I don’t then I’m going to continue overthinking it, continue letting it eat away at me until I am home. 

That’s the thing though as much as I’m going home I’m not, I have two weeks of iso two weeks of me and this brain on my own, as much as I’m looking forward to having the time to write, read, relax a little I’m dreading when I go into procrastination mode and then, in turn, go into my own thoughts, go into overthinking, I’m hopeful with being back in NZ I will be able to overthink less as I’ll be that one step closer to being home. Still, there is no saying how this brain will cope. I have a plan, I have ideas of what to do, and know that I have people I can talk to, my Aussie fam has already said that we can talk/ video call, as I think they have begun to see how my brain has been getting, even if I somehow think they haven’t they have, they know me well I guess three years does that. But I have friends as well as my fam in NZ. Part of it as well as is not knowing where I will be going once I land. Before when I’ve left Aus its always been my dad picks me up from the airport after work, and we go home, the fact that won’t be happening this time scars me, but this is out of my control I’m slowly learning that if it’s out of your control, there is no point worrying about it, you can’t change it, you can’t make those decisions, they probably have already been made for that flight.

It’s hard, but I’m learning to let that bit of control go, I’m slowly learning to go with the flow which a lot of the time I can do very easily when I know all of the info, where we are going what's going to be happening, I’m usually happy with having no control and seeing what happens, but not knowing anything apart from having my flight booked, having those details and knowing I can get into iso that's my control that's what I needed to do, my control stops there. I’m finding it hard that I’m finding that hard because I before this haven’t needed to be in control of decision making, but for this not knowing anything of what happens on the plane even before getting onto the plane is hard, but something that in the month or so I have left I’m going to have to get used to and somehow let go of what has already happened in terms of where we go for iso from the plane. After that two weeks I’m totally ok with whatever happens as I know I will be home, what we do where we go won’t matter as I’ll fit back into the four that we are and be home until then I just need to sort this overthinking constantly on autopilot brain out.

But having said all of that I am happy to be going home, I can’t wait to see everyone I know in NZ and to see what NZ has to offer for the next little while, what job opportunities I get there and growing my interests, I am working on many different ventures at the moment and hope to grow them more once I am home. Though that doesn’t mean I will be waiting until I am home, I have very much started I just need to figure out the smaller details once I know I will do a blog post letting everyone know what the next venture along with writing is. I may have already mentioned it on twitter but feel it might have been a little too soon oops, haha. Still, hopefully, that will turn out to be a good thing, so yeah, in short, I am happy to be going home but nervous about not knowing what to expect and how my overthinking brain will cope with it all.

As always thank you for reading, if you made it to the end well done, you deserve a medal or something so here is an emoji medal 🥇 thank you again it means a lot, what was a little blog seems to be growing and reaching more and more people so thank you to those who have stuck with me and Thinking out loud, it’s changed over the years but also feels very much the same so thank you.

I hope you have a lovely day where ever you are in this world, and I hope the rest of this week treats you kind.

Love always Thinking out loud xx :D